Playing The Roxy

"Playing The Roxy"

Written by: Stephen Nathan and Paul B. Price (1978)

Episode 65: September 19, 1978

Transcribed by: S. Wilhelmina Feenster

NOTE: This is an actual episode of Laverne and Shirley. I did not write it. This came about while watching both the Nick at Nite episodes and the Syndi - episodes from my local channel. Nick at Nite cuts scenes out, believe it or not. This is the episode with scenes added to it that Nick at Nite cut out.

SUMMARY: Shirley gets amneisa and thinks she's a famous stripper named Roxy LaToure.

Act One:

INT. Laverne and Shirley's Apartment

Shirley was in the kitchen, in her pajamas, pouring herself a cup of coffee.

Shirley: (to Laverne in the bedroom) Get out here and eat your breakfast, Laverne. Your Rice Krispies are getting awfully quiet.

Laverne came out of her bedroom in a slip. In her hand, was a copy of True Confessions.

Laverne: Who cares about that? Listen to this. (walking to the kitchen table) "So there I stood, I Roxy LaToure, a humble girl from Hackensack, stripping in front of the crowned heads of Europe." (sat down)

Shirley: Are you still reading that trashy article about that stripper? (Laverne nodded) You oughta be reading classics like "Jane Eyre."

Laverne: Jane Eyre was a nut. (Shirley sipped her coffee) "Oh Roxy, the Prince moaned, as his hand moved gently, yet swiftly toward..."

Shirley: (taking the article away) Ah, stop it! Stop it! Stop it! It's disgusting! It's a disgusting article! Especially the part with the French Foreign Legion.

Laverne's eyes bugged out.

Laverne: French Foreign Legion? Where's that?

Shirley: Page 52, right near the end.

Laverne: Aw, let me see, let me see. (took the article and read it) Oh, I can't wait. They say the next installment's even more disgusting.

Shirley: Really?

Laverne nodded.

Laverne: I'm going to go see if the mail came. Will you underline the hot parts for me, please?

Shirley: Hold it! You're not going outside in your underwear, are you?

Laverne: This is a slip.

Shirley: The whole neighborhood will be gawking at you.

Laverne: You think so?

Shirley: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Finish your article. Finish your breakfast. I'll go get the mail, okay?

Shirley got up and walked to the door.

Laverne: Ah, gee, thanks, Shirl. What are you doing?

Shirley: I'm covering up.

Shirley put on a long coat.

Laverne: Oh, I hate to be the one to break this to you, Shirl, but those pajamas ain't exactly going to drive men wild.

Shirley: I treat my body as a temple, Laverne. You have chosen to treat yours as an amusement park.

She went out the door.

Laverne: (stuck her tongue out and looked at her body) My body's not amusing! (looked back at the article) Now, where was I? The sweaty legionnaires. Oh boy, that Roxy sure can write!

Laverne went into the bedroom.

Shirley: AAAAAAAH!

"Thump!" down the stairs.

Laverne: (coming out of the bedroom) "The legionnaires were sweaty, but magnificent. They hadn't seen a woman for 6 months. The desert sun turned them into raving sex fiends.

Squiggy: Hell-o!

The boys came in wearing hats with fish sticking out the top.

Lenny: What do you think?

Squiggy: Speechless, huh? (Lenny laughed)

Laverne: Uh, do you have to feed those hats?

The boys laughed sarcastically, "Hardy, har, har, har."

Squiggy: Do not mock the sacred head gear of our lodge.

Lenny: That's right. They don't except just anybody in the fraternal order of the bass. Takes a very, very, special kinda man.

Laverne: (laughed) Well, I'm sure not everybody looks good with fish on their heads.

Squiggy: Oddly enough, a very small percentage of men do, yeah. But anyway, we are going to go to a big lodge convention next week. Can you imagine, all the basses come from all round the country.

Laverne smiled and nodded.

Lenny: Ah, we spend a week in Chicago and do nothing but spawn.

The boys made fishy faces.

Laverne: Stay right there, I want Shirl to see them hats. (called out the window) Hey Shirl, will you hurry up with the mail?

Squiggy: Oh, you're going to have to yell a little bit better than that because she ain't going to hear you on account she's taking a snooze at the bottom of the stairs.

Lenny: Shhhhhh!!!

Laverne: What? What are you talking about?

Laverne went outside the door.

Squiggy: It's no big deal. She's taking a snooze at the bottom of the stairs.

Laverne: (O.S) Shirl? Shirl! Oh, she's out cold. She fell down the steps.

Lenny/Squiggy: Why didn't she say so?

Laverne: Help me! Would you help me? (They pulled her in) Easy. Easy. (They placed her lying on the couch) Now look, there's a new doctor right around the corner. Go get him fast!

Lenny: (bummed) All right.

Lenny and Squiggy just stood there.

Laverne: Now, what are you standing there for? This is a matter of life and death!

Lenny/Squiggy: Life and death!

They ran out the door.

Laverne: (shook her head and held her ear after being deafened) Come on, Shirl. (smacked Shirley's face) Wake up. Wakey uppy, Wakey uppy. (snapped her fingers) What is that thing? What is that thing? Uh, starve a fever, feed a cold, uh, keep them walking if they're out cold! That's it, Shirl! We've gotta go for a little walk! A little walk...come on, come on, come on. (took her feet, sat her up, put Shirley's arms around her neck.) Uppsy daisy, uppsy daisy. That's it...one, two, three. (stood up) There we are. Let's walk them little feeties. Come on, walk around. There you go, come on. (took her into the kitchen) Maybe a little drink? You want a little drink of watey? Huh, huh? (put her against the refrigerator) Stay there, stay there while I get you a drink of watey. (Shirley slid down) Wah! (put her back) Stay there, will you? (she slid down again) Mmm. I'm killing myself, you're not helping me at all. Stand there and lean (she opened the refrigerator, leaned Shirley inside, closed the door with her foot, and held her there standing.) on the refrigerator. (she turns on the sink and threw water on Shirley with her hand) Come on, Shirl. There you go...wake up.

Shirley: (coming to) Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. All right, I'm okay. Stop it. Stop it. I'm okay, stop it.

Laverne: (turned off the water) Oh boy, I'm so glad to hear you talkin'. When I saw you layin' there, I was afraid that you were a goner. I sent the boys for a doctor. Boy, you scared the wits outta me! You're such a klutz! (handed Shirley a rag) Here, wipe yourself off. I'm exausted. I need some juice.

Roxy: (looked around) Now, how did I end up in this dump?

Laverne: What are you talking about? This is our dump. You picked out this dump.

Roxy: Boy, oh, boy, I must've really tied one on last night to end up in a hole like this. I haven't sunk so low since I played "Schnectady."

Roxy took off her jacket.

Laverne: Who were you playing with in "Schnectady?" Hey, what's the matter? You hurt your leg there? You're walking funny.

Roxy: Honey, this is the walk that made me famous.

Laverne: Where?

Roxy: Everywhere! Sweetheart, this is the famous Roxy LaToure walk.

Laverne: I get it. That's real cute, Shirl. Pretending you're Roxy LaToure.

Roxy: Pretending? Boy, that ticks me off. Ten years I work, becoming the best exotic dancer (does exotic dance motion) in all North America or Egypt, and some bimbo living underneath a sidewalk don't even recognize me. Ha!

Roxy went into the bedroom.

Laverne: (threw jacket into the closet) Who are you callin' a bimbo? And what are you mad at me for? It ain't my fault you fell and hit your head! (her eyes bugged out, she picked up the magazine, and looked inside) "North America or Egypt." (Roxy came out) Do you really think you're Roxy LaToure?

Roxy: (took the magazine) Oh, that's so sweet. You're a fan, honey. Well, let me give you a thrill. I'll autograph it for you. You got a pen or pencil handy? (walked to the table behind the couch) Here we go.

Laverne: Shirley?

Roxy: (writes) To Shirley.

Laverne: (pointed to herself) Laverne.

Roxy: Laverne. (writes) To Shirley Laverne. I like that name. You know, kid, (gave Laverne back the magazine) you could strip with a name like that. Say, you, uh, mind if I wet my whistle a little before I leave?

Laverne: No, no, go ahead. But you ain't goin' nowhere.

Roxy: (went into the kitchen) No offense honey, but I don't have to stay in a dump like this as long as I have this body.

Laverne: What body? What? (Roxy opened the refrigerator) Oh, I got to snap her out of this. (she rolled up a magazine and walked up to Shirley) Go ahead. Drink whatever you want.

Roxy grabbed a beer and closed the refrigerator.

Roxy: You got anything harder?

Laverne wacked her over the head with the magazine.

Laverne: Shirley?

Roxy : (turned around and slapped Laverne in the face) You're nuts! Sister, I'm gettin' out of here.

Laverne: I'm nuts! You're the one that's crazy!

Laverne grabbed Roxy.

Roxy : Will you let go of me?

Lenny, Squiggy, and the doctor came through the door.

Squiggy: This way, doctor! This way! It's the little one!

Lenny: She fell down and hit her head. Is there anything we can do, doctor?

Doctor: Yeah, uh, have a lolly.

He pulled out two lollipops.

Lenny: Yes, sir.

Laverne: There she is. Right there, that's Shirley. She hit her head and now she's Roxy and thinks she has a body.

Doctor: Okay, don't worry about it. Leave everything to me. (to Roxy) Hello.

Roxy: (flirtatiously and with legs crossed) Hi.

Doctor: I'm Doctor Schoenbroom.

Squiggy: (laughing) Showin'...like a broom.

Laverne hit them with her magazine.

Doctor: I understand you've had an accident.

Roxy: It's just a hang over, doc. (stroked his face with her finger) Never stopped old Roxy before.

Laverne: See what I mean? Roxy? Huh, huh, huh?

Doctor: Well, I'll take a look anyway. Uh, I'll go get washed up.

Laverne: Okay. The bathroom's right back there.

Doctor: And why don't you get undressed.

Roxy: (got up and jumped on the coffee table) Showtime!

Lenny and Squiggy's mouths dropped while Roxy unbuttoned her pajama top.

Laverne: (grabbing her) Don't do that. Don't do that.

**Later that day**

Laverne and Carmine heard the results.

Laverne: Is Shirley all right, doctor?

Doctor: You shouldn't move someone with a head injury.

Laverne: That's it, I killed her.

Doctor: No, no, fortunately, I think she's all right. She's only experiencing a fugue state.

Laverne: Oh, what a relief, what a relief. (turned to Carmine) It's only a fugue state. (turned back to the doctor) What's a fugue state?

Doctor: It's a minor personality change. Oh, it can be brought on by any number of things. A bump on the head or psychological stress.

Carmine: Then what can we do for her, doc?

Doctor: Oh, nothing really, something simple will probably bring her right out of it...a reminder of her everyday life, an object of event from the past.

Carmine: Uh, she hasn't had much of a past, Doc.

Doctor: Yeah, well she'll be fine in a couple of days. Meanwhile, I told her that she had to stay here.

Laverne: Yeah, well, how are we gonna keep her here?

Doctor: Well, I convinced her that she was hiding from her fans.

Carmine: Oh, hey, he's smart.

Laverne: That's why he's the doctor.

Doctor: Have this prescription filled, and if you need anything else, just call me.

Carmine: Oh, hey, thanks for coming, doc.

Laverne: Thanks a lot. You're a real life saver!

Doctor: You're welcome. I think I'll stop upstairs and see if those two guys need a sedative.

The doctor left.

Carmine: Look, I don't know what the big fuss is. I can bring her out of it in a minute. How could she forget me? (walked to the hallway) Yo, Shirl. Angel Face. Can you come out here a minute?

Laverne walked in front of Carmine.

Laverne: Hey, Roxy!

Roxy: Yeah, sweetie? (laughing) Ha! You want to crack up? (she came out with Laverne's panties) You got a whole set of these in there... they say Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday...

Laverne took them away from her embarassingly.

Laverne: Not now. Not now. I know, not now. (pointed to Carmine) There's someone here to see you.

Roxy: (flirtacious mood) Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well. And who have we here, big fella? Huh, huh?

Roxy put her hand through Carmine's shirt and rubbed his chest.

Carmine: Ah, you know who it is. It's me, Carmine.

Roxy: (rubbing his chest) Ah! Have you felt this guys chest? Ah!

Laverne: No, I'm not allowed.

Roxy: Uh, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here. (Laverne came) Here. Live a little. (Roxy placed Laverne's hand on his chest) Huh? Huh? (they both rubbed his chest and Laverne smiled with enjoyment) Huh? (she undid another button) Huh?

Carmine: Ah, this is no good. My girlfriend wouldn't like this.

Roxy: Oh, you got a girlfriend, huh? I'll bet she's nothing like me, is she?

She put her arm around Carmine.

Carmine: Oh, you're not kiddin'. I mean, no. She's a lot like you! (took her arm off his shoulder) She's a lot like you, only she's entirely different.

Carmine went to the door and came back. They put their arms around each other.

Carmine: [CONT'D] Listen, I could dump here and we could start dating if you want.

Laverne: Carmine!

Carmine: I got to get going, Rox. Ah, Shirl, I mean... Listen, when you see Shirl, would you say 'hello' for me? She's not bad. I kinda like her.

Laverne: Get out of here.

Carmine left.

Roxy: Whoo! He is some beefcake, isn't he? I bet he gets a lot of action, huh?

Laverne: Not around here, no.

Roxy: Say, you mind if I close these windows? I don't want my fans looking in, huh?

Laverne: No, go ahead.

Roxy: So, uh, what's this girlfriend of his like, huh?

Laverne: Ah, she's real nice. You want to see a picture of her?

Roxy: (filing her nails) Sure.

Laverne: (gave her the picture) She look familar to you?

Roxy: Boy, she is some gorgeous broad, isn't she?

Laverne gave the picture a second look.

Laverne: Oh, this is worse than I thought.

Roxy did a sexy sitting routine, crossed her legs, and filed her nails on the couch.

Laverne: [CONT'D] That is the best sittin' I ever seen.

Roxy: Thanks, sweetie. Someday I'll show you how I climb the stairs.

Laverne sat next to Shirley on the couch and hid the picture underneath a pillow.

Laverne: Don't you feel like you've been here before, huh?

Roxy: Honey, I travel so much, I don't know one dive from the next, you know? It's into town, off with the clothes, and onto the next town. The only thing I remember is my act, you know, my routine?

Laverne: But you remember routines?

Roxy: Every one I ever did.

Laverne: How'd you like to see a routine that me and my friend Shirl did in junior high?

Roxy: Sure, I'd love it, toots. I'm always looking for new stuff for the act.

Laverne: Okay, watch real closely, because it might remind you of something. (walked to center part of the room) Okay, uh, today is Mothers' Day and we would like to do a salute to mothers all over the world. (sings) "M" is for the million things she gives me. "O" means only that she's growing old. "T" is for tears she shed to raise me. (Shirley began snapping in rhythem) "H" is for her heart of purest gold. "E" is for her eyes they're always shining.

Roxy: Sell it, honey.

Laverne: (faster tempo) "R" means right and right she'll always be.

Roxy: Bring it home, now. Bring it home.

Laverne: Put them all together they spell "Mother." The word that means the world to me. (Laverne did a cartwheel) Huh, huh? Huh, huh?

Roxy: (smiling) I like it. You do it in the nude, right?

Laverne bugged out her eyes.

Act two:

Roxy sat on the couch filing her nails and Laverne opened the front door.

Roxy: You got to go to work now, honey?

Laverne: Yeah.

Roxy: Have a nice day.

Laverne: Thank you. Instead of sitting around, why don't you clean up or make supper or something, huh?

Roxy: No, no, no. I can't do that. (she got up) I got to practice my act. (she went to the hall entry) I'll just stay around here and work on the old bumps and grinds.

Roxy did her bumps and grinds in the hall entry while Laverne stood there and watched.

Laverne: How does she do that? She's got no hiney.

Laverne left.

Roxy stopped and noticed Boo Boo Kitty on the chair. She picked him up and smiled.

Roxy:(high voice) I know this!

Squiggy: Roxy! (she creeped back on the wall) Greetings and salivations, my dear. (Lenny had a record in his hand) We brought you a little record because we thought you might want to, uh, dance upon it.

Lenny: Yeah, huh, huh. We do hope that you will enjoy it. It's all drums.

Lenny unwrapped the record package quickly.

Roxy: Wait a minute, boys. Hold the phone. Roxy don't do matinees. (Lenny and Squiggy turned away disappointed) I am itching to get back to work though.

Lenny and Squiggy turned around and started drumming on the tables and sang, "Da dant, da dant, da dant, da, da ,da...While Shirley danced erotically around the room.

Roxy: (stopped) Hold it, Hold it, Hold it, Hold it, Hold it, Hold it!

Squiggy panted and Lenny put his head on Squiggy's shoulders.

Roxy: Say...

Roxy put her arms around them.

Squiggy sighed.

Lenny: Oooh!

Roxy: Do either one of you guys know of any clubs where I can do my act?

Lenny: Well...(she nibbled on his ear) there's the boys club.

Roxy: No, no, no, no, no. I was thinking more in terms of a... (she rubbed their heads) men's club.

Squiggy: Men's club, men's club, men's club.

Roxy: Think hard now.

She continued to rub Lenny and Squiggy's heads.

Lenny: M-m-m-men's club.

Squiggy: Uh, the, the, the, oh, there's the Bass Club! The Bass Club! We're giving a, a, a, smoker tonight at, uh, nine o'clock.

Roxy: Oh, great! I love smokers!

She let go of Lenny and Squiggy and they attacked each other, thinking it was her.

Roxy: [CONT'D] What's the pay like?

Squiggy: What's the pay like? Oh, it's like any other pay, you know? Dollars and cents, a little bit of change.

Lenny: W-w-we'll put it together somehow, because we want you real bad.

Roxy: Okay, all right, boys... you come up with the bucks and it's on for tonight.

She went into the bedroom.

Lenny: Listen, now we gotta figure outta way to come up with the big bucks.

Squiggy: If ever we could use a brain, now is the time.

INT. Bass Lodge

Grand Bass: I want to thank you for providing the evening entertainment, Minnow Squiggman.

Squiggy: Oh, well, there's no need to thank me. Your royal Grand Bass, sir. The smile on my face will be a reward enough.

Grand Bass: Ah, good., good, good. Well, then, let's get going.

INT. Laverne and Shirley's Apartment

Laverne picked up a note that Roxy left.

Laverne: (reading) "Dear Shirley Laverne... Those two sharp fellas from upstairs got me a gig tonight. I'm taking it off at the Bass Lodge. Drop by, there will be a lot of extra bass. I'm throwing back the small ones. - Roxy." (put down the note) Sure, I work like a horse all day and she's down there taking off her clothes. (she went into the bedroom) Shirley's taking off her clothes!

Laverne ran out the door.

INT. Bass Lodge

Bass Lodge: And now Miss...Roxy...LaToure!

The curtain opened and Roxy was standing there in a green evening gown, white gloves, a feather hat, and a big feather fan in front of her face.

[Music began; Stripper music]

She threw down her fan, walked up to the jukebox, and did bumps and grinds on it. Then she took her white gloves off one at a time. Roxy took off her straps and then started undoing her dress in the back. She pulled off her dress. She wore a black teddy, fishnet stockings, with two scarfs hanging from her belt. She danced erotically on the table.

Laverne: Out of my way! Out of my way!

Bass member: No ladies allowed!

Laverne: Yeah? What do you call her?

Bass member: She's no lady.

Laverne pulled his hat in front of his face and she ran on stage.

Laverne: Stop, Shirley! Stop!

He pulled off her Shotz outfit and all she had on was a slip.

Laverne: [CONT'D] Aaah! You're going to pay for that, buster! You know that! Shirley, Shirley!

The music stopped.

Shirley: Laverne! How many times have I said, "Don't go outside in your slip?" Do you want all the neighbors to gawk at you?

Laverne: Shirley?

Shirley: Yeah.

Laverne: Is that you? Really you?

Shirley: Yes, what's wrong with you? You're acting so strange. I'll go upstairs. I'll go get the mail. You stay...

Laverne stopped her with her hand.

Laverne: Shirley, look at yourself...

Shirley: What?

Laverne: ...then look out there and smile.

Shirley looked at the bass staring at her. Her jaw dropped and from her hands, she dropped her hat and earrings.

Shirley: Oh my lord!

Laverne: It's okay.

Shirley ran off the stage.

Bass member: Come back here, you!

Laverne: (yelling at the bass) Don't you do that to her!

The Grand Bass turned the jukebox back on.

Grand Bass: All right, baby, you take it off.

Everyone cheered. Laverne stood there smiling and thought about it. Then she waved it off, left, and Lenny and Squiggy ran after her.

INT. Laverne and Shirley's Bedroom

Shirley held a mirror while she whiped off her face with nagsima and Laverne sewed up her Shotz outfit.

Laverne: Shirl, you're working on your third jar of nasima there.

Shirley: Laverne, I've got to get this rouge off.

Laverne: The rouge came off ten minutes ago. That's blood.

Shirley: It's easy for you to say, you didn't take your clothes off in front of a lot of fish.

Shirley put her hand over her face and began to cry.

Shirley: [CONT'D] I'll never be able to show my face again.

Laverne: Oh, I don't think they'll recognize your face. (Shirley looked at Laverne) What, the docter just said you were showing a different side to your personality. (laughed) It's just that when you started showing, you really started showing.

Shirley: That's very funny, Laverne. Very funny. You liked seeing me like that, didn't you?

Laverne: (smiling) What?

Shirley: You liked Roxy better than me, didn't you?

Laverne: What?

Shirley: You'd rather room with Roxy, then me, wouldn't you?

Laverne: No, I wouldn't.

Shirley: Sure you would. Then you could go out nights and carouse and pick up strange men.

Laverne: (thinking) Well, Roxy wouldn't be bad on the weekends.

Shirley: Well, well, well, well, well, talk about your fair weathered friends.

Laverne: Oh, come on, Shirl. I don't want to room with Roxy... I want to room with you. It's just that a little bit of Roxy wouldn't hurt you none, you know?

Shirley: Yeah, I guess I could loosen up a bit. (she got up) If I could only remember what Roxy was like, you know?

Laverne patted her on the arm.

Laverne: Come on, you can remember. Tell me, what did it feel like to peel your clothes off in front of a bunch of total strangers? Felt pretty good, huh?

Shirley: No, no. I can't remember. (turned around and headed for the bathroom) I just can't remember.

Shirley turned her head to Laverne and peeled off her robe.

Laverne: You can remember! You just don't even tell me! Please!

Laverne followed Shirley into the bathroom and closed the door.

TAG:

INT. Laverne and Shirley's Apartment

Shirley: It kills me, Laverne...Lenny and Squiggy. I mean, I've never thought much of them, but this was low even for them. I mean, what kind of a guy would take advantage of a girl in my condition?

Carmine walked through the door in a bathrobe and slippers.

Carmine: Roxy, I have returned. Come here, you hot hunk of flesh, you.

Carmine grabbed her forcefully.

Shirley: Aren't you afraid your girlfriend Shirley will find out about this?

Carmine: She's a child, you're a woman.

Laverne carried the tv set in her hand and tapped Carmine on the shoulder.

Carmine: [CONT'D] Oh, Laverne. Hey, uh, why don't you go to the movies are something, huh?

Laverne: (smiling) She knows she's Shirley.

Carmine's eyes bugged out. He looked at Shirley and she nodded and then he looked at Laverne and she nodded also.

Carmine: (laughed nervously) It was a joke! I knew it was you! I was just kidding. (stopped laughing) She'll never see me again.

Carmine left.

Shirley: I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive that man.

Laverne: Oh, come on. He's got nice legs.

Shirley: Gorgeous legs! Gorgeous legs!

Laverne: Did I tell you I touched his chest?

Shirley: You're not allowed!

End Tag

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