Laverne and Shirley Fan Fiction: The Road Not Taken Part 2 The Road Not Taken Part 2
By Squeaky

Carmine sat all day with a pack of ice pressed against his cheek. His head hurt as well; it was the aftermath of having one--- or several drinks too many. He remembered vaguely what he had said to Mr. DeFazio. But he knew it must’ve been something really bad, otherwise Frank would never lay a hand on him.

Then he remembered Shirley’s words, and he didn’t regret his actions. He remembered what he had said to Frank now. He had told him he wasn’t going to wait for “Miss Chastity. She ain’t worth it.”

That last sentence echoed in his head. Then suddenly, the door burst open.

“Hello!” It was an all too familiar greeting. Lenny and Squiggy each carried a huge cloth bag.

“Look, Len! Carmine’s all ‘disfigurated’,” cried Squiggy with awe.

“Ya want me to open the window for ya, Carmine?” asked Lenny.

“What for?” asked Carmine.

“ ‘Cause it must be really hot in here; your puttin’ ice on your face.”

“Leave the window alone,” said Carmine. Lenny and Squiggy’s presence irritated him, and nobody can blame him for that.

“Are you sure?” insisted Lenny. “You’re wasting a lot of ice there…”

“Sure! Fine! Do whatever you want. Just leave me alone,” said Carmine, giving up.

“What’s with the red cheek there Carmine, eh?” teased Squiggy. “Can’t handle the ladies anymore, huh? Heh, heh, heh---”

Carmine jumped out of the chair and pushed Squiggy hard against the wall. Lenny was to busy looking at the little birdies that were flying out the window to notice that his best friend was about to receive several knuckle sandwiches.

“Oh, this will really hurt,” said Squiggy, half pondering to himself.

“What’s with the bags?” asked Carmine. Indeed the two bags seemed odd.

“Shirley sent them.” And with that, Carmine loosened his grip and Squiggy landed butt-first on the floor.

Carmine quickly opened the bag.

"This is your dirty laundry, Squiggy!"

"Um... yeah. She asked if you could wash them for me."

Carmine gave Squiggy a look that made him tremble.

"Fine. She just sentcha the other one."

Carmine opened the other bag. It was filled with mementos from his relationship with Shirley. Inside there were photos, ticket stubs, stuffed animals he had won for her at the fair, and other things she had kept for so long. She had gotten rid of all of their memories together, and it was time for him to share her pain, of disposing of these once treasured keepsakes.

Carmine pushed back the tears as he closed the bag. He hesitated for a moment. He knew he wanted nothing to do with Shirley, not after The Fight. But he didn’t have the heart to throw away anything. He put the bag aside and helped Squiggy get up.

Squiggy patted the dust (if any) from his jacket and pretended his dignity had remained intact. Carmine leaned against the wall, and Squiggy walked toward the window where his friend was still watching the birdies. Lenny didn't notice his friend was standing right by him.

"Hey, Squig! Check out the nice little birdies!" cried Lenny as he turned away from the window and swung his arm to point the at the location of the birdies. He hit Squiggy right on the stomach and Squiggy fell out the window!

Lenny screamed and Carmine ran to him. Lenny looked down and said: "Look Squiggy's falling! What's that? It's a trampoline! Look Carmine he's fallen on the trampoline!"

Then they heard a cry. It was Squiggy on the way up... and on the way down once again.

"Keep landing on that trampoline, Squiggy!" cried Lenny.

"Aaaaaaahhhhh!" screamed Squiggy on the way up, but this time Carmine grabbed him and pulled him inside.

"I saw my whole life before me!" were Squiggy's first words.

"Don't start giving details Squiggy," said Carmine. "You okay?"

Squiggy nodded and asked: "Why did Shirley give you all that junk?"

"It's not junk. It's... stuff."

"Are you two breaking up?" asked Lenny.

"I don't know. I don't think we were ever together," replied Carmine.

"Good for her," said Squiggy.

"Yeah, after the creep you turned out to be," said Lenny.' Suddenly he wished he had kept his mouth shut. But Carmine didn't hit him; he just stood there thinking.

"You guys don't understand," he began. "Now get out."

The boys whined and reluctantly walked out of the apartment. There was somebody Carmine needed to see.

~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~

"Mr. DeFazio?" called Carmine as he meekly entered the Pizza Bowl.

The place was empty. It was early in the day; only two women where there and they were getting ready to leave.

Frank walked out of the kitchen. His hands were already dirty with flour. He looked at the younger man before him and her sighed.

"I just came by to say I was sorry for all the stupid things I said last night." Carmine wanted to continue apologizing, but the words wouldn't come out.

"I know, I know..." said Frank understandingly, but a tone of disappointment was there.

"I also wanted to talk to you. I really don't know where else to go."

Frank sat on a table and motioned Carmine to join him. Carmine did so and looked around making sure there was nobody around.

"Will ya start talkin'!" said Frank. "I got pizza in the oven."

"Umm... ya happen to notice how I've been dating around lately?"

"Oh really?" said Frank ironically.

"Well Shirley has to with it," Carmine swallowed hard at Frank's cold stare. "N-now let me explain..."

Several Weeks Ago...

Shirley sat all dressed up in the couch. She wore her black dress amd she sprayed perfume all over herself. Laverne was ready to go out too.

"What are you and Carmine gonna do tonight, Shirl?"

"Oh same old, same old... dinner and a movie. You know nothing in particular..."

"What's that you are spraying all over yourself there?"

"Um... nothing!" she answered hiding the bottle behind her.

"Let me see that bottle, Shirl..." demanded Laverne suspiciously.

Shirley began to run away, but Laverne's long legs quickly caught up with the dimpled girl, and she grabbed Shirley by the hair. Shirley let out a high-pitched cry and surrendered. Laverne got hold of the perfume and read the label.

"Sensual Strawberry Mist? 'Same old, same old..." mocked Laverne. "Shirley W. Feeney: are you sure you and Carmine are just gonna have dinner and a movie?"

"Weeellll..." Shirley hesitated for a second, but she knew it would be useless to lie to Laverne. "Okay I give up. There is a very good chance that we... that Carmine and I..."

"You and Carmine are going to vo-deo-doe-doe!!!"

Shirley jumped towards Laverne and covered her mouth with her hand.

"Could you be a tinsy bit less loud???"

"Sorry." Laverned fiddled with her dress. She had so many questions in her head, she thought she was going to explode if Shirley didn't start explaining what made her finally decide to be with Carmine.

"Laverne you are ruining your dress," said Shirley as she pat her friend's skirt to get rid of the wrinkles.

"Shirl, how come you decided to vo-deo-doe-doe after all this time? This is avery big step, Shirl..."

"What are you doing Laverne?" cried Shirley panicking.

"What? THe skirt is not that wrinkled!!!"

"No, no I'm not talking about your dress. I mean what are you trying to do? Talk me out of this?"

"No I just wondered how much thought you've given to this. Once it's done there's no way back."

"I have given this a lot of thought, thank you very much. My body is a temple. A temple Laverne! And Carmine will be the only man to enter it."

"That's... uh... nice, Shirl. But have you... have you..."

"Will you talk! Carmine will be here any minute now!"

"... have you considered that maybe Carmine's body is not necessarily a temple. And that you are probably not the only one that---"

"I know that, Laverne! But my decision has been made, and I'll give myself to Carmine tonight."

A familiar knock was heard. "It's Carmine!" cried Shirley.

Laverne opened the door; Carmine stood there, wearing a suit. He wore a huge, confident smile. He twirled around the livingroom until he stood right beside Shirley. He gave her the dozen roses he was carrying, and gave her a kiss.

"Bye Laverne!" said Shirley between Carmine's kisses.

"Bye, Shirl!" said Laverne wearing hald a smile, and she closed the door.

The two lovebirds kissed and walked towards the couch until Carmine fell on it. Shirley threw the roses away and jumped on him.

This is it, Shirley Feeney! she thought to herself. This is the night you have been waiting for so long and nothing is going to ruin it!

"Ow, ow!" cried Carmine.

"What? What is it?" asked Shirley trying to catch her breath.

"I got something stuck on my back," he said, and he pulled out a squished Boo Boo Kitty.

He was afraid that would be it. Shirley would be mad at him and the night would be over then and there.

Shirley grabbed the stuffed cat and threw it away. Now Carmine was beginning to get a little nervous. He always had on the back of his head the notion that Shirley was just teasing him, like she always did. They would kiss a little and then she would tell him to take a cold shower. But not even the deformatiion of Boo Boo Kitty's head made her stop. She hungrily kissed his mouth and his neck.

"W-wait Shirl," he said, as he lifted himself and sat on the couch. "Don't you think we oughta have a little drink first?"

"No," she replied firmly. She pushed him back and resumed her kisses. "Go to my room."


"I said 'Go to my room!'" she yelled. He gaver her a few quick nods and ran to her room.

Shirley got hold of her bottle of 'Sensual Strawerry Mist' and sprayed it all over herself. She put it down and proceded to lower the straps of her dress below her shoulders.

"Get ready Carmine, 'cause here I come!!!" she cried and she ran into the room.

He had already gotten rid of his shirt and was surprised to see how she jumped on the bed and began---

Back at the Pizza Bowl

"I don't want to hear anymore!" cried Frank. "Why are you giving me the details! You're not supposed to give details about this stuff! Just tell me what happened after that."

"I'm sorry Mr. DeFazio. I just got a little carried away. But it was so beautiful!"

"Hey, you are talkin' about Shirley here! She's got nothing beautiful!"

"No I meant her---"

"She's got nothing beautiful!" Frank repeated

"Okay, Mr. DeFazio..."

Back to the... ehem... thing

Both Carmine and Shirley lied under the covers. Carmine had a huge grin on his face; he felt like he was in heaven. On the other hand, Shirley didn't smile at all, except when Carmine looked at her.

"Wow, so that's it, huh?" she asked, feeling a little disappointed.

"Oh yeah that's it," replied Carmine, not quite aware of her tone. He was too happy to notice there was anything wrong.

"That's how you vo-deo-doe-doe..." she reflected, thinking of all the years she had been waiting for that moment. "Doesn't feel much different than when I vo-deod once, except well the obvious."

"What are you trying to say?" For once he had been lowered from his little cloud.

"Nothing," was all the answer she gave. But he knew what she meant, and worse yet, he imagined what she was thinking. He felt embarrassed, but he tried hard not to let her notice.

"Do you think it gets better with time?"

That was it. That was the straw that broke the Italian's back. He yelled at her some things any real gentleman would have never told a woman. And she yelled at him things that would've made an insecure man weep. The blame was shuffled back and forth, until Shirley stroke Carmine. Then, without looking back, Carmine went home.

Back at the Pizza Bowl

"And that's why I've been with lots of girls ever since. It wasn't 'cause Shirley was Miss Chastity or that I couldn't wait. I have been a very patient man! She's the one that said she was ready."

"Do you think she was?"

"I guess not. But still that's no excuse for all the mean things she said about me. And I had to prove to myself I was still The Big Ragoo."

"You think that's the answer?"

"I guess it isn't."

"Of course it isn't! You march right back to Shirley and apologize for the things you said and did!"

"Apologize? But I just told you all the things she said! I've never been more humiliated in my life!"

"Being a man is not how many girls you can be with. Being a man is to be able to talk with the girl that you love no matter what!"

"Yeah, you're right, Mr. DeFazio."

"Of course I'm right! Now get out of here!" he yelled and gave Carmine a quick hug before he left.

~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~

Shirley sat on her bed all dressed up sniffing her bottle of strawberry perfume. When Carmine entered the room she was so shocked that she hid the bottle inside her blouse. He carried the bag she had sent Squiggy to give him. He double-checked that it wasn't dirty laundry.

"What do you want Carmine?" she asked coldly. She wanted so badly to hug him and tell him she was sorry for that stupid fight, but her pride came before that.

"I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry for being a jerk."

"That's right you are a jerk. How was your date with what was her name again? Bimbo number twenty?"

"Look I have some things to explain."

"That's right you do. And hurry up because I am waiting for my date to pick me up."

"A date, huh? Cancel it."


"Cancel the date. I mean it. You and I are going on a date tonight."

"I don't think so, mister. What happened got bored with all those floozies you decided to go right back to ol' reliable Shirley?"

"No. I decided to go back to the girl that I love."

For a moment, Shirley's eyes softened a little. But she remembered how he'd mocked her saying that she was Miss Chastity, and that she must've been seriously confused when she thought she could actually be with a man.

"I think it's a little too late for that. I don't think I can go with a guy that dates so many women. I just don't want to be hurt again."

"I just dated all those girls 'cause I wanted to see if I still had it. I got scared. If I wasn't able to make you feel the things I felt then there must've been something wrong with me. I know it was a stupid thing to do dating around, but none of them even came close to you. I'm sorry."

"That's really sweet Carmine, but I---"

"What don'tcha love me? We both said some pretty awful things to one another, and I just want to put it all behind us. We are stronger than that, Angel Face!"

Angel Face...

"Are we? Carmine I gave myself to you!" And with that, tears were streaming down her face.

Carmine put his arms around her, and she welcomed his embrace.

"I know you did, Angel Face," he began.

"It's much better to take the easy road, isn't? Better to be with someone experienced that with me. I'm just Miss Chastity."

His voice was softer now: "I know you wanted that night to be very special and, well it kind of didn't..."

"Kind of didn't? It went down the drain!" she said with a little humor in her voice.

"Why don't we give it another shot. I think I know what went wrong. But first, are you ready for another try?"

"Yes!" she cried dreamily.

Carmine kissed her on the lips and on the neck.

"Oh so that's what... went... wrong..."

This time he was the seducer. And needless to say, he found her bottle of perfume.

~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~

Laverne entered the apartment with Shirley's date. He helped her carry a bag of groceries.

Shirley stormed out of the room; she had the bed sheets wrapped around her. She took her date's hand and put it in Laverne's.

"Phil this is Laverne. Laverne this is Phil. Here are the keys to Carmine's apartment. You are sleeping there tonight. I mean not together. Oh, you know what I meant! Bye! Have fun you two!" Then she ran back to her room.

"You can't throw me out like that!" declared Laverne, and she walked to her room until she disappeared. "What's going on---? WOAH CARMINE!!!"

The End

~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~

The Road Not Taken
By Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

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