Laverne and Shirley Fan Fiction: Milwaukee Terror Milwaukee Terror/Part 1
Written by: S. Wilhelmina Feenster

FADE IN:

Scene 1

INT. BEDROOM - EARLY MORNING

SHIRLEY SLEEPS WITH HER ARMS CROSSED OVER HER CHEST. LAVERNE IS FIXING HER COFFEE IN THE KITCHEN. YOU CAN HEAR LAVERNE YELLING FOR SHIRLEY IN THE BACKGROUND. SHIRLEY'S EYES OPEN AND SHE STARES AT THE CEILING. LAVERNE COMES INTO THE BEDROOM AND TURNS ON THE LIGHTS. SHIRLEY SCREAMS.

Laverene: What is with you, Shirl?

Shirley: I had a horrible dream, Laverne. (Beat) It was about... do you remember that movie that was on last night?

Laverne: The Legend Of Sleepy Hollow?

Shirley: Yes. (Beat) I had a bad dream that the Headless Horseman killed everyone I loved and he even tried to kill me.

Laverne: The Headless Horseman ain't real, Shirl. (Beat) Come into the kitchen. (luring voice) I made coffee.

SHIRLEY NODDED AND GRABBED BOO BOO KITTY.

INT. KITCHEN - EARLY MORNING

LAVERNE POURED HERSELF AND SHIRLEY A CUP OF COFFEE.

Laverne: Did I tell you Lenny and Squiggy left for Bangor, Maine last night?

Shirley: Three times, Laverne.

Laverne: Those boys. They travel all that way just to bury a few moths.

THERE'S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. LAVERNE GETS UP TO ANSWER IT. MRS. BABISH STANDS WITH A RED BALLOON IN HER HAND.

Laverne: Hi, Mrs. Babish.

Edna: Hello, girls. (Beat) Shirley, I finally got a clown for your nephew's birthday party on such short notice.

Shirley: Oh, thank you, Mrs. Babish.

Laverne: Is it Bozo?

Edna: No. His name is Penny Wise the dancing clown. (Beat) He gave me this red balloon to give to you.

Laverne: It's nice.

Shirley: Mickey and Mikey will love it.

Laverne: How much does this clown charge?

Edna: Absolutely nothing.

Laverne: I love that clown.

Edna: Do you know where Lenny and Squiggy are?

Laverne: They're in Bangor, Maine.

Edna: (surprised) Bangor, Maine?! Why?!

Laverne: They're burying Squiggy's moths in some sort of Indian burial ground.

Edna: They owe me two weeks rent. (Beat) I'll see you, girls.

EDNA EXITS.

Shirley: See Laverne, good things come to those who procrastinate.

SUDDENLY, THE BALLOON POPPED IN LAVERNE'S HAND AND RED PAINT COVERED HER SHIRT AND FACE. (OR SO THEY THOUGHT IT WAS RED PAINT.)[CIRCUS MUSIC PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND]

Scene 2

EXT. SHOTZ BREWERY - LATE AFTERNOON

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY ARE LEAVING THE BREWERY.

Laverne: (pointing) We're parked over there, Shirl.

Shirley: I'm taking the bus today, Laverne. I'm picking up a present for Mickey and Mikey's birthday tomorrow.

Laverne: Well, I'll go home and start dinner.

FADE TO:

INT. LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY'S APARTMENT - EVENING

LAVERNE IS IN THE KITCHEN FIXING DINNER. SHIRLEY WALKS THROUGH THE DOOR CARRYING A COVERED CAGE. SHE SITS THE CAGE CAREFULLY ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER.

Laverne: What's that?

Shirley: Dim the lights.

Laverne: Why?

Shirley: Just do it, Laverne.

LAVERNE DIMS THE LIGHTS AND LOOKS INSIDE THE CAGE.

Laverne: So, it a hampster.

Shirley: This is no hampster, Laverne. (Beat) It's a mogwai.

Laverne: A what?

Shirley: Mogwai. His name is Gizmo.

Laverne: Tell me, Shirl. Why did we have to dim the lights?

Shirley: I'll get to that. I bought him from a Chinatown shop owned by a Mr. Wing. He gave me specific instructions. (begins to read): DON'T EXPOSE HIM TO BRIGHT LIGHTS,-which we didn't. (continues) DON'T EVER GET HIM WET, AND DON'T EVER, EVER FEED HIM AFTER MIDNIGHT.

Laverne: That's a strange pet you got there, Shirl.

Shirley: He's a Mogwai, Laverne! A Mogwai!

Laverne: Whatever you call it, I don't care. It's not stayin' here.

Shirley: Oh, yes it is!

Laverne: No, it's not!

Shirley: Fine! I'll just scream and stomp my feet!

Laverne: Okay, give your new friend monkey nerves.

Shirley: I'm keepin' him, Laverne! And you can't do anything to stop me!

SHIRLEY STOMPS OUT OF THE LIVINGROOM, LEAVING THE CAGE BEHIND, AND SLAMS THE BEDROOM DOOR. LAVERNE TURNS THE LIGHTS BACK ON.

Laverne: I still say you ain't keepin it! (Beat) I'm fixin' myself a milk and pepsi.

LAVERNE GOES INTO THE KITCHEN AND FIXES HERSELF A MILK AND PEPSI. WHILE AT THE COUNTER, GIZMO HUMS A SAD, WISTFUL, AND BEAUTIFUL MELODY. (FROM THE MOVIE-GIZMO'S SONG) LAVERNE PEEKS HER EYES OUT FROM BEHIND HER GLASS. SHE PUTS DOWN HER MILK AND PEPSI AND SLOWLY APPROACHES THE CAGE.

Laverne: Hey, I didn't know you could sing. You must be part hummin' bird. (Beat) What are you doing in there?

SHE LIFTS UP THE BLANKET AND LOOKS AT GIZMO. THEN SHE REMOVES THE BLANKET FROM THE CAGE. GIZMO RUNS AROUND THE CAGE SCREAMING.

Gizmo: BRIGHT LIGHT! BRIGHT LIGHT!

LAVERNE QUICKLY PUT THE COVER BACK ON THE CAGE BEFORE SHIRLEY CAME OUT OF THE BEDROOM.

Shirley: Why did I hear screaming?

Laverne: I stubbed my toe. (she hops around on one foot) OW! OW!

Shirley: Enough, Laverne. Dim the lights.

LAVERNE DIMMED THE LIGHTS AND SHIRLEY WENT INTO THE KITCHEN.

Shirley: What time is it?

LAVERNE GOES INTO THE BEDROOM AND COMES OUT.

Laverne: 11:15pm.

Shirley: He looks hungry and it's not midnight. (Beat) Hand me his cage.

LAVERNE GRABS HIS CAGE AND THE COVER FALLS OFF. SHE OUTS THE CAGE ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER.

Shirley: (baby talk) Hello there, Gizmo. Are you hungry?

SHE REACHED UP IN THE CABINET AND PULLED OUT A BOX OF SCOOTER PIES.

Shirley: Scooter Pies, Laverne? You used our last dollar on Scooter Pies?!

Laverne: I was hungry.

Shirley: How are we going to eat, Laverne, huh? We don't get paid for two weeks! I told you to buy FIBER FLAKES!

Laverne: Everytime you bring home FIBER FLAKES, it's like eating a card board box for breakfast.

Shirley: They're good for you, Laverne.

Laverne: I want FROSTED HONEY NUTS. Now that's good, Shirl.

Shirley: Tooth decay in a box, Laverne. I don't want to argue with you tonight. (Beat) I'm going up to Carmine's and borrow some oatmeal.

Laverne: It's almost 11:30pm, Shirl.

Shirley: I have my ways, Laverne.

SHIRLEY EXITS.

Laverne: (mocking her) I have my ways. (ends mocking) Miss Perfect. She thinks she has all the answers.

LAVERNE KICKS THE COUNTER WITH HER FOOT. HER MILK AND PEPSI GLASS TIPS OVER AND ALL THE DRINK GOES INTO GIZMO'S CAGE AND GETS HIM WET. GIZMO STARTS SCREAMING AND CRYING, SO LAVERNE LETS HIM OUT OF HIS CAGE. SHE THEN PROCEEDS TO GET NAPKINS AND CLEANS THE CAGE OUT. GIZMO KICKS AND SCREAMS IN PAIN ON THE COUNTER, WHILE LYING ON HIS TUMMY. IN THAT INSTANT, LITTLE ROUND FUZZY BALLS POP OUT OF HIS BACK. THEY BOUNCED ALL OVER THE APARTMENT. WHEN IT WAS ALL OVER, HE LIFTED HIS HEAD AND SIGHED. SHIRLEY ENTERED THE APARTMENT WITH SOME OATMEAL.

Shirley: Laverne, I see you let him out of his cage.

Laverne: Yeah, the little guy needed some exercise.

SHIRLEY WENT TO THE STOVE, PREPARED HIS OATMEAL, AND FED IT TO HIM BEFORE MIDNIGHT. THEN LAVERNE PUT HIM BACK IN HIS DRY CAGE AND THEY BOTH COVERED IT OVER AND WENT TO BED.

Scene 3
EXT. PIZZA BOWL

MICKEY AND MIKEY'S BIRTHDAY PARTY-DAY
INT. PIZZA BOWL-DAY

ALL THE PARTY GUESTS ARE SITTING AT THE AJOINING TABLES WAITING FOR THE CLOWN TO COME OUT. LAVERNE MIXES THE KIDS MILK AND PEPSI IN THE KITCHEN, WHILE SHIRLEY CONVINCES CARMINE TO SING. SUDDENLY CIRCUS MUSIC BEGINS TO PLAY AND PENNY WISE COMES FROM BEHIND A CURTAIN LEADING TO THE BOWLING ALLEY. HE HAS A HAND FULL OF BALLOONS. PENNY WISE WORE A SILK BAGGY SUIT WITH GREAT BIG ORANGE BUTTONS, A BRIGHT TIE, ELECTRIC BLUE FLOPPED DOWN IN FRONT, AND ON HIS HANDS WERE BIG WHITE GLOVES. THE FACE OF THE CLOWN WAS WHITE WITH FUNNY TUFTS OF RED HAIR ON EITHER SIDE OF HIS BALD HEAD, A RED NOSE AND THERE WAS A BIG CLOWN SMILE PAINTED OVER HIS MOUTH.

Laverne: He looks just like Boz-(Shirley put her hand over Laverne's mouth)

Pennywise: Okay, children. I have a balloon with each one of your names on it. (looks at a balloon) Who is Mikey?

MIKEY RAISES HIS HAND AND PENNYWISE PROCEEDS TO READ OFF MORE NAMES. HE GETS TO THE LAST TWO BALLOONS MARKED "LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY." SO HE PULLS OUT A HUGE PIN AND POPS ONE OF THE BALLOONS. THE LOUD SOUND STARTLED LAVERNE AND MADE HER DROP HER MILK AND PEPSI ON THE FLOOR.

Shirley: I'll get a mop.

PENNYWISE GRINNED AND LOOKED UP AT THE REMAINING BALLOON. WHO WAS IT?

A COUPLE OF HOURS LATER

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY ARE CLEANING UP THE PIZZA BOWL.

Shirley: That was a great party. Wasn't it, Laverne?

Laverne: I didn't like the clown. He made me drop my milk and pepsi.

Shirley: (putting her arm around Laverne) He gave you a red balloon, didn't he?

Laverne: Yeah.

SHIRLEY GOES INTO THE LADIES ROOM AND SCREAMS. LAVERNE RUSHES IN. WHAT THEY SAW MADE THEM SICK. THE BATHROOM WAS COVER WITH BLOOD. THEY BOTH RAN OUT OF THE BATHROOM.

Shirley: (hysterically) THERE'S A MURDERER LOOSE IN THE PIZZA BOWL!!

Laverne: Shirl, come on. Maybe we imagined the blood.

'

Shirley: Maybe we're next! OH, LAVERNE, I DON'T WANT TO DIE!!

LAVERNE SMACKED SHIRLEY IN THE FACE.

Laverne: Grab a mop. We're cleaning up the bathroom before me Pop sees it.

FADE OUT
Scene 4
INT. LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY'S APARTMENT-NIGHT

THE GIRLS COME STAGGERING THROUGH THE DOOR AND TURN ON THE LIGHT.

Shirley: (moaning) Oh, Laverne. I'm so exausted. I want to go to bed and forget this night ever happened.

Laverne: Me too.

AS THEY WERE HEADING FOR THE BEDROOM...

TO BE CONTINUED...

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