Laverne and Shirley Meet the Force

Laverne and Shirley Meet the Force

Written by: Maggie and S. Wilhelmina Feenster

Scene one
Laverne and Shirley's Apartment - afternoon - Milwaukee, 1962

Laverne and Shirley are on the phone with Mark and Tom.

Laverne: That's great, Mark! I'd love to do that with you!

Shirley: Nothing smutty, right, Laverne?

Laverne: Shhhh!

Shirley paced back and forth.

Laverne: All that sounds great!

Crashing noise from outside the apartment building.

Laverne: Well, I got to go, Tom..I mean Mark!

She hangs up the phone.

Shirley: What was that?

There's a knock on the door. Laverne answers.

Han Solo and Luke Skywalker walk in.

Luke: Hi, I'm Luke Skywalker.

Laverne checks them out.

Laverne: Not baaaaad.

Laverne: Laverne DeFazio...free tonight.

Han takes her hand and kisses it.

Shirley: But what about... ::Laverne kicks her.

Laverne: Well, well, (to Shirley) Cute and charming.

Shirley: Hello there, uh...(looks at Han Solo)

Han: Han Solo, single as they can get.

Shirley: (smiles) Well!

Luke: Hey, what about me?

Shirley fixes her hair and giggles.

Shirley: Nice to meet you both.

Han: We're from... out of town. Would you ladies like to show us around tonight?

Laverne: Yes, we'd love to. (grins) Anywhere in particular?

Laverne motions her head to the bedroom.

Luke: Well, I'm pretty hungry--

Shirley: Me too.

Han: But I'm not!

Han looks at the bedroom too. Laverne leads Han to the bedroom.

Shirley: LAVERNE!!

Laverne: What?

Shirley: We don't do that.

Han: We do!

Laverne: Yeah!

Shirley: I'll tell your father you had a strange man in there.

Laverne: You wouldn't dare.

Shirley: Oh, would I?

Laverne: Let's eat.

Laverne looks at Han Solo and he pouts.

Laverne: We'll save the desert for later.

Laverne winks at Han and he grins.

Laverne: Let's go to the Pizza Bowl!

Shirley: Really, Laverne? The Pizza Bowl?

Laverne: Where should we go, Madame Feeney?

Luke: That sounds fine to me...

Shirley: The Chez Phister sounds better.

Han: We'll leave it up to you girls.

He pulls Luke aside.

Luke: Han, we need to find a way to get the hyperdrive fixed! We don't have time for this!

Laverne: The Pizza Bowl!

Shirley: Fine.

Luke: Besides, if Leia found out, she'd kill you...

Yeah, and Carmine would kill Shirl.

Han: So let's make sure no one finds out! Problem solved!

Shirley: (smiles) Okay.

Scene 2
The Pizza Bowl

The juke box is playing, "I wanna Hold Your Hand." Laverne, Luke, Shirley, and Han enter.

Laverne: Where do ya wanna sit?

Luke: (points) Over there.

Han: Nice place...

Laverne: My pop owns it.

They sit down.

Laverne: You'll like my pop. He's really nice.

Luke: That's great. You know, my father murdered millions of people!

Han: LUKE!

Shirley: That's terrible.

Luke: I know, but he was sorry for it and then he died. So I'm over it now.

Frank comes out of the kitchen.

Frank: (to the kitchen help) NO BURNING OF THE PIZZAS OR I'LL SMASH YOUR HEAD WITH MY BEER CAN!!!

Han: Luke, dont try to make girls feel sorry for you to get attention!

Shirley: That's so sad.

Suddenly Carmine came in with Lucille Lockwash.

Laverne: Don't look now, Shirl.

Shirley looks.

Luke: Who's that?

Shirley: Nobody.

Luke puts his arm around her. Shirley returns the embrace.

Han: Your father sounded real... nice, Laverne.

Carmine sees them and walks to the table.

Carmine: Hi, Laverne! Hi, Angelface!

Laverne: Hi, Carmine. Hello, Lucille.

Lucille: Hello, Shirley.

Shirley: Hello, Mrs. Lockwash.

Luke: Hello people I dont know.

Laverne: Oh! This is Han Solo and Luke Skywalker!

Carmine: Hi!

Han: Hi.

Carmine: Hey, do you guys box?

Han: Yeah, why?

Luke: Actually I'm better with a lightsaber..

Carmine: I'm a boxer too.

Shirley nods.

Carmine: Okay.

Han: Great.

Carmine: I'm going to Europe in a week!

Lucille: A one bedroom hotel room too!

Carmine does his boyish giggle.

Han: Good for you!

Lucille: We better be going, Carmine. Goodbye, Shirley.

Shirley: Goodbye, Mrs. Lockwash.

They exit.

Luke: That was a lot of fun.

Laverne: (to Han) Not as much fun as we'll have later, huh?

Frank serves the pizzas. Han nods vigorously.

Frank: Are you having fun, muffin?

Laverne: Yeah, pop.

Frank: Good.

Frank: (to Han) If you touch her, I'll break your neck! Frank holds up his fist to Han's face. Han flinches.

Han: You remind me of Luke's dad!

Laverne: Let's hurry up and eat so we can have desert later.

Han: Good idea!

Frank throws his hands up in the air, mumbles something in italian, and goes back into the kitchen.

Scene 3
Laverne and Shirley's Apartment - later that evening

They arrive and turn on the lights

Laverne: Do you guys wanna sit on the couch?

Han: Or the bedroom...

Laverne: (grins) Yeah.

Shirley: You boys never told us why you came here in the first place.

Luke: well, it's pretty simple...

Han: We're from the planet Coruscant, we got stranded, and we need to fix a part of our ship so we can report back.

Laverne laughs.

Laverne: They got a great sense of humor, these two.

Shirley nods and laughs. Han and Luke nod and laugh with them.

Laverne: Do you boys live in Milwaukee?

Luke: No, we travel a lot, dont live in one place for long.

Laverne: Oh, that's nice. (smiles)

Han: Right now I feel like traveling to the bedroom

He looks at Laverne.

Laverne: Yeah.

Shirley: No! Nothing disgusting!

The door opens.

Squiggy: Hell-o!

Luke: What's that?

Squiggy: I'm a Squiggy, what are you?

Han: It looks like Chewbacca, yet smells like Jabba the Hutt!

Squiggy: (to Lenny) They must be foreigners.

Princess Leia walks in. Lenny and Squiggy make noises and Lenny bites his palm.

Leia: HAN!

Lenny: She's all mine!

Han (terrified): Yes, Princess?

Squiggy grabs her and licks her face. Leia kicks him in a sensitive spot and steps over him to get to Han.

Laverne: Who's she?

Luke: His girlfriend, and my sister.

Laverne grabs a bottle of Pepsi and pour it down his pants. Leia hits Han repeatedly and Han begs for forgiveness.

Han (quietly): Laverne, I may need you to do that to me in a few minutes. OUCH!

Laverne: I guess the date's over! Everybody out!

Laverne punched him in the face.

Leia: Thank you.

Laverne: You're welcome. Nice hair.

Leia: (touches her hair) Oh, thank you. I like your "L". I'll have to try that sometime...

Laverne: The idea is to sew it on without it poking out...

Shirley: Laverne!

Laverne: What?

Shirley: This man is bleeding.

Laverne: So..

Leia: He'll stop eventually.

Laverne: Who does your wardrobe?

Han: (screams in pain) OOOOOWWWWWWW!

Laverne: Shut up! You'll live!

Leia: Han, I am trying to talk to these nice girls so be (kicks Han in the face) quiet!!

Luke: Come on Han, you know how she gets...

Shirley: I'm gonna call a doctor.

Leia: I loveeee doctors!

Shirley: Me too! I wanna marry one!

Shirley forgot all about calling the doctor and talked to Princess Leia.

Leia: I've never really gotten to know a doctor, but I do know a few very nice princes. It's amazing that I've clung to this (points to Han on the floor) for as long as I have.

Pretty soon, they were all in the kitchen drinking tea and eating scooter pies while Han was in agony.

Time Goes by.

Leia: So far, this is the only man Ican count on. (points to Luke) My twin brother.

Laverne and Shirley are in tears.

More time goes by.

Shirley: ...and that's how I make Sour craut sandwiches.

::Time went on and on::

Shirley: Well, (yawn) Have you met Boo Boo Kitty?

Luke: Not yet... I think we'd better get going, Leia.

Laverne: So soon?

Han: (screaming) Yeah... I think I broke a few bones...

Laverne: Well, stop by again sometime.

Shirley: Yes, please do.

Luke: Oh, we will. Hey, would you like to come with us?

Laverne opens the door.

Laverne: Yeah.

Shirley: (yawns) We have work tomorrow.

Luke picks Han up.

Laverne: We'll take a rain check.

Leia: Alright, but I'm holding you to that. I'll introduce you to all of the handsome princes I know.

Laverne: Oooooh! I can't wait!

Luke: May the Force be with you!

They exit.

Laverne: They were nice, huh?

Shirley: Yeah....let's go to bed, okay?

Laverne: Okay.

Shirley: Goodnight, Laverne.

Laverne: May the force be with you, Shirl.

They smile, hug, and go to bed.

The End
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